Wedding planning is easy... dealing with people isn't

In this solo episode, I’m sharing my honest experience of what wedding planning really felt like behind the scenes. The emotions, the pressure, the expectations, and the reality of navigating people during one of the most important seasons of your life.

From family dynamics to opinions, boundaries, and the weight of trying to keep everyone happy, this is a side of wedding planning that isn’t talked about enough.

If you’re currently planning a wedding, or preparing for marriage, this episode will help you think differently about what truly matters and how to navigate it well.

Connect with us: 
Instagram: @behindtheveilwithdapherlie 
Email: behindtheveilwithdapherlie@gmail.com 

—
🎙️ Behind the Veil Podcast
Conversations on weddings, faith, and marriage

#marriagepreparation #weddingadvice #relationshipadvice

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Behind the Veil. I'm Daphne. I will be your host and guide through the journey of weddings, faith, and marriage. Get ready to go behind the veil. When I think about wedding planning, one of the things that I think about is how much I cried. And that year that I was getting married, I feel like was one of the most emotionally charged years of my life. And mind you, I'm not even an emotional person like that, right? And I used to find myself kind of crying myself to sleep and just thinking, like, what is going on? What is happening? You know, I could book the venues, I'm a very resourceful person, I'm a planner, you know, I know how to make things happen. Um, but one thing that I wasn't prepared for, or I feel like even adequately prepared for, was dealing with people, right? Um, I think there's this whole industry that has been created, which I'm a part of, the wedding industry, that has been created to help people plan weddings, bring the vision that they have of their wedding day to life, you know, find the correct vendors that will suit your day. Um, there are spreadsheets that you can find online, templates that can help you, you know, keep track of your budget, you know, keep track of important dates, you know, things that you have to pay for, and all of those things. But what there isn't a template for is dealing with people, right? There isn't a template for dealing with all the opinions that your in-laws will throw at you about the smallest things. There isn't a template for, you know, both your stepdad and your dad wanting to walk you down the aisle. There isn't a template for managing relationships and all the emotions, all the expectations that come with planning a wedding or two people deciding to marry. Um, and one thing that I always say is planning a wedding is easy, dealing with people isn't. And I feel like that's what I'm probably going to title uh this episode. So we're gonna have a conversation. I think I feel like the wedding planning people part of wedding planning caught me by surprise, and it was a literal shock to the system. And I feel like it's also a shock to the system for a lot of people. Um, with my own experience planning my wedding, conversations that I have here on the show on the pod, um, conversations that I have with people uh outside people that share their stories and all of those things. One thing remains true, and it's that yeah, dealing with people is very hard. I can find a vendor, I can go on Google and try and find, I don't know, a caterer, I can go on Instagram, uh, find a content creator like me. Um I can go on all of these different, like, you know, websites, TikTok, there's those things that are readily available for you to be able to find the vendors for your wedding. But one thing that really isn't spoken about is dealing with people, whether that be family, whether that be friends, um, all of those things. So I want us to have that conversation because what I want to do is kind of prepare you, you know, those that are engaged, getting ready to go through that engagement season and planning your wedding, um, just so that it's not as much a shock to your system as it was to me and some of the others that have gone ahead of you. Um so yeah, this is kind of just that conversation so that I can prepare you a little bit, um, even if it's just a tiny bit, so that you don't get overwhelmed um as you go through this planning process. And of course, there are beautiful parts about planning a wedding, but I want us to kind of focus on this and kind of equipping you to be able to navigate this season a little bit better. Um, so yeah, that's what we're going to look at. We're going to look at the whys, why do people make things hard? Um, we're going to look at maybe some scenarios. Um, there's so many, so many stories that I've heard. Um, and then also how to kind of help you navigate it. What are some of the practical things that you ought to do to kind of make it a little bit more bearable and a little bit more manageable? Um, so I think before we even get into the specific situations, we need to understand why this happens in the first place. And mind you, this is through conversations that I've had with people. I've sat down with myself because, yes, when I was spending time crying and trying to make sense of what is going on and why is everybody doing what they're doing, I had some time to think. I was like, I need to figure out what is going on. And so some of these reasons that um I'm going to share with you, I've got my notes just so that I don't deviate too much. Um, some of these reasons that I'm going to give you is what I've seen, is what I've experienced, is through also conversations that I've had with people, and we've kind of seen that, yeah, this is actually what is going on. And it's not obviously an exhaustive list, uh, but hopefully with it, it can better equip you on how to deal with people. And then also I think it's very important to understand why people act the way that they act so that you know how to react, right? Um, so that you know how to go about responding to what they throw at you. I think when you have more of an understanding of why somebody is doing a particular thing, you're able to give a little bit more grace, you're able to figure out the best way to respond. And it's not an excuse, right? These reasons that I've come to find out is not an excuse for people acting the way that they act when it comes to you planning your wedding, it's not an excuse at all. But I think it's also worthwhile understanding, you know, why people are the way that they act. Right, that was a whole mouthful. So let's get into it. Um, first things first, one thing that I found is that a wedding activates something in everyone. I think when you think about your whole life and certain like major events that happen in your life, like I don't know, uh a promotion, uh buying a house, somebody getting a new job, it doesn't so much pull out certain emotions out of people, although sometimes it does, but it's not in the scale that a wedding does, right? It's not the scale that a wedding does, also because everybody is involved, um, and especially people that are close to you, they feel like they have a say in you know this side of your life and things that are happening. Yeah, a wedding brings out a lot. Um, a wedding touches on so many different parts. Uh, it touches on love, it touches on identity, there is family, there is religion, there is tradition. Um, all of those things are brought to the surface, and you kind of have to deal with that. So when people start to make wedding planning difficult for you, I think it's really important to understand that it is almost never about your wedding, right? It is never about the wedding. I think it's something that your wedding is stirring up in them. So it's more kind of like I need to figure out what is it about my wedding? What is it about what we are doing right now that is stirring up certain emotions and feelings in you, and why is it doing that, right? Those emotions can be, I don't know, maybe they didn't have the wedding that they wanted to have. So they want to vicariously live through you, and so they want to impose certain things that you should be doing. Um, yeah, you should be doing in your own wedding. Um, there is family wounds, there's there is grief that people may be dealing with, and it's your wedding that kind of brings those things up. And again, this is I'm talking about people that are closest to you. Um, their own expectations of what you know love is supposed to look like and all of those things, your wedding presses that button for people, right? So important to remember that when people are making things difficult for you, it is never really about the wedding. I don't think so, anyways. It's never really about the wedding, it is more so what it is stirring up in them. Um, and I think once you get to the foundations of that, you'll be able to figure out, okay, how do I navigate this? You know, what is it about my wedding that is making you feel this way? And is this something that I can help you with? And even in understanding that, it doesn't mean that you have to then bear you and your your spouse to be. You guys don't have to be the ones to bear those emotions or help them to navigate those emotions. And I think people need to be sometimes accountable for themselves, right? If this um time of my life is stirring up certain emotions in you, those emotions are not for me to deal with whilst whilst I'm trying to prepare myself to enter the covenant of marriage. That is not for me to deal with. If you see that me doing a particular thing, I think this goes with anything, really. If you see me um striving in a particular thing and you know, doing well in a certain area, and it begins to stir up certain emotions in you, it's not for you to dump those emotions on me, it's for you to go and figure out how to deal with that, right? So, yes, a wedding activates something in everyone. That's the first thing. Um, so yeah, people will project their own stories onto your day. When someone is unusually invested in your wedding, when they're pushing hard for something, you have to ask yourself, okay, what story are you trying to live through my own, you know, what wound is it touching for this person? Because yes, that there is a wound, there is something else that is driving um that push or all that investment that they're trying to put in into your wedding. Um, there's also the element of, because I think with weddings, especially when it comes to parents uh and families, I would say, um, there is also sometimes that financial contribution. There's the aspect of money, essentially, when it comes to weddings, there's that aspect of money that is introduced. Um, and so for some people, when they contribute financially to your wedding, that's almost like them buying a voice in the decisions that you and your spouse to be are making, right? Me, I'm a heavily independent person. I have grown up to be so heavily independent, I can do things for myself and all of that. So for me, it was like as I'm planning my wedding, I'm not planning it with the idea that somebody else is going to fund this wedding for me. I will do a wedding that I can afford, or me and my spouse will do a wedding that we can afford, right? Um, and if people decide that they want to give us or gift us um financially and all of those things, that is a plus. I think what ends up happening is that some people they come into wedding planning thinking, yeah, mum and dad are going to sponsor or family is going to sponsor, you know, this wedding um for us, and so that's kind of that, and you don't prepare yourself for what that for what the implications of that could potentially be, right? So it's important for you to question, okay, as you are giving us this financial gift, is there some expectations attached to it? Right? Because as I said, some people they will gift you financially, looking at that as me giving you money to help towards your wedding, is me also buying a seat at the table that you are making decisions, and that honestly, it just it can't run. So plan your wedding, you and your spouse, put your money together, decide that this is how much we're going to spend for the wedding. If we're given extra fantastic, perfect. Some families are able to help contribute, but obviously the economy as we know it as we know it isn't the greatest. Uh, but even if they do decide to gift you, I think it's worth having that conversation of are there expectations attached to this money that you are giving? Right? Is this that you are contributing out of the kindness of your heart? Or is it that okay, because you've given us this money, you are inviting a hundred extra people? Is it because you've given us this money that you know you get to choose the venue for us, or whatever the the conditions that are attached to the money, money is, I think it's worth knowing because that could be a potential headache, an absolute headache. And you hear stories all the time of those things happening. Money is given, and then there's all these expectations that were probably never even discussed. So save yourself the stress and yeah, ask, ask questions, you know, be grateful, of course. If somebody is gifting you money, of course, this is be grateful. But I think it's also worth just having that conversation just to make sure that you don't find yourself in an uncomfortable space. Okay, I'm going to move on because I've said quite a lot about that one. Um, and then for those of us who are people of faith, right? We know that weddings carry weight. Um, it's a covenant before God, we know all those things. Um but I think sometimes because of the faith that we have, people can use that against us, right? But I think it's it's it's how do I put this? Because it's a covenant, and they they're going to be there to witness and all of these things and think, yeah, we're doing this before God, they feel like they also have a say in it, right? Um, and the lines get blurred. Yes, you need people to be present, you need witnesses to be able to see, and you want people to be there to celebrate you, you want people to be there for you. But I think sometimes that um element of faith that gets added is or understanding that this is a covenant before God, and so it's serious, and we need to do it this particular way, and you know that there'll be people who are like, Oh, if you don't do this, um isn't is your your marriage is is void, if you don't do this, your marriage and they start to use faith almost as a uh as a way to kind of control um and share the opinions, and if you don't do, if you don't, if you don't, if you don't, God will, God will, God will. Um which isn't fair. Um I think people are important, but you also have to remember that that they're not a part of the covenant that you and your spouse are about to begin, right? The covenant is between you, your partner, and God, and everyone else there is there to kind of witness it and not really you're there to witness it but not be directors um of it. In all of that is yet people are important, they matter, they're important in what it is that you are doing. Uh, you want obviously your family involved, you want your friends involved, but I think sometimes the lines can get really blurred, especially for those of us that are people of faith, and that faith element being used against you. Um, but it's also because people understand the importance of marriage or the covenant that you're about to enter, but then they use it to their advantage, if that makes sense. Um, yeah, so all of those things, I think those are just a couple of like the reasons that I I can mention, but I want us to kind of look at some of the biggest battlefields. Um, and for me personally, it was definitely the whole like family element. I think there's so much the dynamics of family, all the different personalities, all the different desires, all the different wants, that is like the biggest battlefield. Um, I think one of the most important things to remember when it comes to family, um, and even friends, all everybody kind of, whomever is making your wedding planning difficult, is to understand whose wedding it is, right? I think when you and your partner have not sat down to speak about, you know, what this wedding means for you and whose wedding it is. Yeah. And and deciding who has authority um on how your day goes and how your onday your day unfolds, um then it will be easy for everybody to come in and sway you. If you haven't made particular decisions about what it is that you want as a couple first before we even go out and try to solicit other or bring other people in to help us make this day a reality, it will be a very hard thing for you to deal with, right? Make decisions, you and your spouse, understand whose wedding day is this, right? Because I know that there's also those things where people say, Oh, the wedding is a um is between the family. I have my my reservations about that because it's not the family that's entering the marriage with you, in all honesty, if we are to be frank, right? It's not the family that's entering the marriage with you, the marriage is between you two, and as I said, God at the center, you, your spouse, and God. That is who the covenant is made between. And again, this is not to say that you know family is not important, friends are not important, but I think when we we have to to understand truthfully what it is that we are doing, and that is just two people getting married with God at the centre, right? So ask yourself whose wedding is this? Whose wedding is this? Um, and then who also has authority in terms of what it is that we do, very important, it will save you headache. And I know that, yeah, family dynamics, that that's always a hard thing, especially for families to also understand that this wedding, as much as yes, the families are coming together and we're all becoming this one happy family and loving on each other. In all honesty, please as a family understand that this wedding is between me, your daughter, or whomever. Me, your daughter, your daughter, me, and God. And you guys are here to kind of help usher us into that. So know where you stand, know where where you sit. Um with parents, there's also the parents who grieves. I think this is I I had a conversation, I was having I had this conversation with multiple people actually, um, about the element of like leaving and cleaving, right? I think before we even get into that, I think there are parents when it comes to weddings, they are grieving. But I don't think that they have named the emotion that they're feeling, right? And so that grief that they have, and they don't know how to grief in terms of they're grieving um, you know, their daughter or their son leaving and going to start their own family, you know, they've been in the house for for this long, we've all been like really tight for this amount of time, and they feel like you're being snatched away from them. So there is that grief, right? And there's can also be grief in in in certain things, like they how they envisioned how your wedding would go, or what they they expect for your wedding, for their son, for their the for their daughter. And when things are not happening in the way that they envisioned, there is also that yeah, that grief almost that they're dealing with, but they can't really put it into words. Um, and so that grief turns into criticism. There's them interfering, there's also for some it can be like emotional withdrawal. Um, yeah, but heavily it's like interfer interference. There is all the criticism, it's because they don't know how to, they can't even put in words what it is that they're feeling or what it is that they're dealing with, or maybe they can, and they're just doing whatever they feel like doing. Um so there is that element of grief, so it's not always them trying to control, there is that element of they may be grieving, um, and then this is where the element of like leaving and cleaving comes into play. I believe it's in Genesis 2, 24, uh, where it speaks about leave and cleave. Um, and that concept in itself is very hard for parents. I think they understand it, especially for those parents that are a part of the faith. They they I think even that leave and cleave, it becomes something that we just say. But when it comes to actually sit sitting with what that truly means, it's not something that they're comfortable with because leave and cleave is telling you that as your child is leaving, they are cleaving into their partner, and this is or their spouse, and this is now their new priority, right? This is the family that they're building, and that family becomes priority. So essentially, you guys are becoming the extended family, and this person that they have chosen is their new family, and they're going to build their life together, and you're no longer priority in the way that you were before. And that is not something that is easy to accept. That is not something that is easy to accept, especially for a lot of parents, and so they start battling and and fighting within themselves and doing the absolute most, right? Because they're Not ready for that. They're not ready for their precious daughter to leave them. They're not ready for their precious son to leave them. And not understanding again, this priority thing of leaving and cleaving and this new unit that you're creating becoming your priority. It doesn't mean that they're no longer important. But it's almost like they see it like that. Oh, because you've now got your person and you're starting this thing, or when you don't you no longer care about us. And it's like, that's not what's happening here. This is a covenant that I've entered into with somebody, and I have to honor that, right? I have to honor that. Um, yeah, so sometimes, yeah, I digress. Sometimes the parent that's making things difficult is not necessarily a controlling parent, but rather a grieving parent, right? They're grieving um their child leaving, they're grieving some of the things that they had expected or wanted for you, but it seems like you don't necessarily want for yourself. Again, on the aspect of family, when it comes to family, there can be so many um because it's again two different families, they all have different visions of what they want the day to look like, right? Um, and as you're planning your wedding, you will come to find that out. You know, there's a family that wants it to be this way, another family that wants it to be this way, and then there's you and your spouse, you want it a particular way. So whose voice matters here? Whose voice matters, right? Um, I think it's also one thing worth learning is um what is it? Offense will will always happen, and you have to choose what makes sense for you. Um you have to choose what makes sense for you because I think sometimes certain things will be forced upon you. Um you don't have to accept it. Like you literally do not have to accept it. If you have, if you and your spouse have sat down and we've spoken about these are the non-negotiables, these are the things that we want, and that somebody's bringing something completely different from what you want, you don't have to accept it. And I think this is one thing that um I've always kind of said, and it's like, yes, people can give their opinions, they can have um expectations, they can have thoughts about what you should do and you shouldn't do. At the end of the day, it's opinions. So if if you're giving me your opinion, I can choose to take it or choose to leave it. And you should not be attacking me for the decision that I decide to make, right? Um, and it doesn't mean that I love you any less. It doesn't mean I love you any less. You are able to, I can love you and still make decisions that you do not agree with. The two can coexist, right? And it doesn't mean that I don't value you anymore or whatever the case may be because I have to make decisions that suit me and my spouse. And then one thing that you have to realize is that this whole wedding planning process is one of the first projects that you and your spouse are basically undergoing, and it will either help you in your marriage or hold you back in your marriage. So you have to look at it as almost like a first test, right? First test to see how you guys deal with conflict, how you guys deal with people, um, people's opinions on the things that you were doing, people's opinions on the decisions that you are making. How do you guys navigate that? How do you guys navigate having hard conversations and then coming back to each other? What does that look like? Um are you guys doing oh, it's me, um, me versus you, or is it us against the problem? This is the time that you are actually being tested. So the decisions that you make, I think you you have to think about the bigger picture. Um, you have to think about the bigger picture even as you are planning the wedding and all these things are being thrown your way. You have to look at it as a test, right? And so the decisions that we are making now can follow us into our marriage and will follow us into our marriage, right? Are we able to resolve conflict properly? Are we able to understand that even if somebody has brought this issue to us, when we're discussing this issue, it's not that I'm on one side, you are on the other side. We need to find a way to be a united front. If the parents are saying that my parents are saying this, your parent is saying this, what are we saying? You know, and how are we letting this affect the dynamic that we have between me and you? Right? So people will have different versions of how you know they expect things to happen, but you and your spouse, you have to be a united front, always a united front, because again, as I said, it will run with you into your marriage. Um I think one thing that happens when it comes to parents. I think I'm going to wrap up this parents thing because there's a lot of things that I can say here. But I think one thing that happens with parents is again, especially for those of us that are in the faith, we have uh what's the word that I'm looking for? There's almost like a battle between honour and what's the word that I'm looking for? Understanding or okay, this is how I'll I'll put it. We are so hell-bent on yeah, the Bible says to honor your parents, yes.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

Honor doesn't mean that you lack boundaries, you can honor your parents and still have boundaries, all right? You can respect them without giving up your responsibility as a couple.

SPEAKER_01 28:00

I think that's very important to know because some people are like, yeah, but you have to honor. And then sometimes even parents, they will use that, oh yo, the Bible says you need to honor your parents and all of this and all of this. And you're just you have to understand that honor does not mean that I have to give up control. Honor does not mean that I can't have boundaries. It's not me giving in to every request that you have or every expectation that you have, that's just not feasible, right? And it's deeper, yes, we are called to honor our parents. Yes, respect your parents, be grateful for the things that they have done, but have boundaries still, even with your parents, you need boundaries. With anyone, really, you need boundaries. Okay, so yes, you can honor, but do not give up your responsibility. Again, it will go back to that thing where I'm talking about leaving and cleaving, right? That is very important here because even in your engagement season, the time that you are planning your wedding, this is where that journey can that that journey starts of leaving and cleaving. It's you and your partner, it's going to be you and your partner in the marriage, and you guys will be making loads of decisions together as you as you are married. You have years and years and years until death do you part of making decisions that are supposed to suit your family and what the dynamic that you've got going, right? So you can't be outsourcing those decisions, and it starts with wedding planning. And I know it sounds like, oh, this is this is too deep, it's just planning a wedding or whatever, but no, I feel like it's deeper, it is much deeper. The things that happen as you are on your way to marriage all adds up, it will either follow you, it will follow you, it'll follow you into your marriage. So you have to be very careful, even in this thing of like, yeah, but I'm trying to honour my parents. Yes, you can honour them, but also still have boundaries. That's the message here. Honor them and still have boundaries, honour them, but don't give up your responsibility as a couple because in your marriage, they won't be the parents that will be coming in to be making decisions for you. So you need to be able to stand on your own two feet as a couple, right? And it's not only just family that these things show up in friendships as well. So let's talk about friendships. Um there's when it comes to choosing your um bridal party, um, there's this thing that I think everybody has come to believe. Um, and I feel like there's some truth to it somewhere, there's some truth to it. But I think um working within the wedding industry, I have uh another point of view. People, so when it comes to like the bridal party, people think that, you know, if they're part of your bridal party, it speaks to um what's the word that I'm looking for? To the closeness of the relationship that you have, right? You know, them being a part of your bridal party shows how close you are. It's almost like a statement. Um, a statement to, you know, we're close, we're besties, we're you know, that's my my my nearest and dearest. And I feel like to an extent, that is the case. Um and so when people are not included, that can feel like a knife straight to the heart. Because there are people who may think that they probably have a better relationship with you than you think, some people may think that they're your best friends when you have um other ideas of whatever your relationship is, and all of that. And so that statement of when they're not a part of your bridal party, they're hurt because they think like I thought we were boys, I thought I thought I thought we were cool, and then to find out that they're not a part of your bridal party is that you know it it's lit literally a knife to the chest. But I think having a conversation is really important, and I think this is like a um like a dilemma that you see quite often in terms of how I've known them for 20 years or went to school together, all of these things, and I thought that I was going to be a part of your bridal party, and you've not made me a part of your bridal party, and all of this and all of that. Um I think if you're planning on making somebody not a part of your bridal party, but you know that they will have that expectation, it's worth having a conversation with them. It'll be a hard conversation, albeit a hard conversation, but I think it's worth letting people know. But also, as a vendor, me speaking from a vendor's perspective, I've done so many weddings where you can see that the people that have been a part of the bridal party, they do not have a helpful bone in their body. Right? They're there to look cute, they're there to take the pictures, to say that, yeah, I was a part of this, and they I will speak on the bridesmaid's part, they're not being the maid for the bride. They're not being a maid for the bride. So it's important that as you are also choosing the the people that are going to be a part of your bridal party to look at the strengths and the weaknesses that your friends have, and maybe choose people that would literally be your maid. That's all. That's all because some of the things that we see as vendors as it pertains to the bridal party, it's it's quite worrying. Um on the front of friends as well, there are those, like there are people, obviously, people have different things going on in their lives, right? When you're getting married, people are at different life stages. There are people who may be um doing their masters, there are people who may have probably gone through a breakup, there are people who like there's different seasons that people are going through in their life, right? Um, and sometimes they cannot show up for you in the way that you want them to show up for you, although they might want to. But again, this all these things goes back to communication, it goes back to communications and and understanding giving grace or extending grace to your friends in the same way that you want them to extend grace to you. Um sometimes people being disengaged, your friends being disengaged about your wedding or throughout your wedding is because they're trying to hold themselves up privately somewhere else. There are things that's happening in their lives, and we need to be able to give grace to each other. One thing about my friends, they held it down for me. Like they held it down for me. When remember when I was saying that I cried like nobody's business during my wedding planning. Sometimes they didn't know that I was really crying, but I was really going through it. But for the times that they knew the things that I was going through, they held it down. They will be on the phone with me for hours on end, even if I don't have anything to say, you know, I'll be sometimes I'll just be ranting, going, going, going, going, and they're there to listen. You know, it was as for my friends, they did what they needed to do, and I love them down. They were amazing, they were amazing during that time, and it's really important for you to again choose people that are able to ride through the different emotions and things that you will be dealing with. Um, so yes, choosing your bridal party is very important, and choosing people that you know will ride for you is very important as well because when everything is going haywire, you need your people, you need your people. Um I think yeah, grace needs to be extended. Um, I guess to everyone, even family and and and people. And I'm hoping that some of these reasons that I'm sharing will allow you to see that okay, you know, maybe I'm being a bit too harsh or whatever the case may be. But also for those that are making life hard for people, communicate. I think the the bride, the couple that are trying to build themselves up, start a new life, um, get married, and all of those things, they don't need extra baggage. But also at the same time, in as much as they're planning a wedding, a friend will always be a friend, right? It doesn't matter that you know I am planning a wedding and you're being so mindful of, oh, I don't want to say this to my friend um because they're planning a wedding and I don't want to make it hard for them. No, speak to your friend and let them know that this is actually what's happening, and this is why I can't show up for you in the way that you may want me to or I even want to. I think there's that's more commendable than you just going completely silent and allow leaving your friend there to think you hate them or you disapprove of the marriage that they're about to enter or whatever the case may be. I think everybody just needs to speak, right? Have conversations, you know. And I think when it comes to friends and and even expecting people to be a part of your bridal party, I think it's great to set the expectations from the beginning. Even now you see a lot of people doing like um PowerPoint presentations of what you know you being a uh a bridesmaid wouldn't tell, you being a groomsman wouldn't tell, you know, these are the things that I will need you to buy. This is how much everything is going to cost. Set the expectations so that everybody knows and they can see whether they have capacity to do what it is that you are asking of them. Um I think again, that's on friendship. But I think the most important thing when it comes to or the most important relationship in all of this when it comes to navigating people is not even the friends or the family, of course, they are important people, but I think it's the two of you, you and your partner. Um when there is so much external pressure, one thing you will begin to find is that if you're not careful, you would allow it to split you and your partner, right? The pressure that's coming from the outside can fracture what is happening on the inside, right? It can fracture the relationship that you and your spouse have, right? You because you're you're so caught up trying to manage everybody's expectations, everybody's emotions, and you actually forget to manage the relationship that matters in all of this because it's at the end of the day, it's me and you that's getting married, it's me and you that's going to go into our new home, it's me and you that are going to build. So, why have we neglected ourselves in this process of trying to manage everybody else, right? Um, and you have to understand that it's you and your spouse against whatever is going on, and not you guys against each other. Um, you will have to set boundaries. Sometimes you will see that in relationships that there is one that is a people pleaser, and there is one person that is more stern and able to set more boundaries. You guys will have to balance each other out. But one thing that I'll also say when it comes to planning your wedding, as you are dealing when it comes to dealing with family, you deal with your family, I'll deal with mine. The one thing you don't want to do is put your spouse in such an uncomfortable space to be dealing with a dynamic that's not theirs, right? Because the way that your mum or dad will respond to something that you say will be different to how they'll respond to what your spouse says or how they say something. So it's always important to kind of set those rules. Like if my family is, you know, doing too much, you deal with your family, I deal with my family. But I feel like there are certain instances, and it's through conversations that I've had and all of that, where sometimes you may need to step in for your spouse. It's not ideal. That's fine, that's almost like the final rule, the final or the last resort, should I say, where you might have to step in for your spouse because it's is becoming too much. It's becoming too much. Um, but yeah, the the rule of thumb, you deal with your family, I'll deal with my family, and we'll figure this thing out. Um, but we always are a united front, even in all of this. Me and you, we are united in the things that we are doing. So don't forget why you're doing this, you know. Don't forget, you always remember that it's me and you, we are getting married, all of these things. One thing that you see is also a lot of um couples, they get to a point, and you see this on TikTok all the time, they get to a point where they're like, I just wish we could elope. I just wish we could elope. Because it gets too much. It gets too much, yeah. Managing people's feelings, you're so consumed by the event, um, and all of that, and then you forget what it is that you are doing and why you're doing it. So it's really important to also carve out time, even in the midst of people throwing different things at you, to sit down with your partner and be like, this is us time. Time for us to not discuss anything to do with the wedding, time for us not to try and manage, oh Auntie said this in the chat, or this person was saying this about the seat in chart. This no, it's time for you guys to sit down, enjoy, date each other, even in the engagement um season, do things that has nothing to do with the wedding planning or managing other people. Um, again, like I said at the beginning, the wedding season is your first test, almost test of the marriage, right? Or the wedding planning season, should I say, is your first test of the marriage, you know, how you navigate conflict, how you're making decisions under pressure, um, how you're handling other people's demands, how then you come back to each other after hard conversations, all of that is practice for the marriage, you know, and you see sometimes that it's either that you will get to the altar as a couple and you are more bonded, or you will get to the altar as a couple and you are disheveled, frayed, I don't know, I don't know what the term is, like you're so over even each other, that's not what you want. You want to get to the altar and be more bonded than ever. I know that yes, we are doing this together, we're about to start our life together with God at the center. So the question then becomes like, what do I actually do with all of this? What do I with what do I do with all of this, right? Um, this is kind of like the practical. I feel like I've been dropping some of the practical things that you ought to be doing when you are dealing with particular situations, um, different decisions, all of those things. But I think to kind of bring it all together, first things first, let go of the expectation that everyone will be happy, right? Um, I think that's kind of a hard thing to hear because you're expecting that as I'm getting married, why wouldn't people be happy for me? Why wouldn't they be happy? Why would they be trying to why would they be trying to make things difficult for me? Um yeah, not everybody's going to be happy, and that's okay. Like the sooner you come to terms with that, the easier it will be for you to be able to move forward. You're not responsible for managing every feeling that every person has about every decision that you make. That's just not it's just not feasible. It's not it's not something I would advise, right? You are responsible for making your own wise decisions with your partner. Um and what other people do with those decisions, it's on them. It's on them. You can't you can't manage how people will react to the decisions that you've made. Like I said before, you can I can love you and still make decisions that you don't agree with, right? Or the decisions that you don't like. Those two things are able to coexist. Right? And that doesn't mean that you're any less less important in my life. But we have to make decisions that make sense for us, right? Um, you also have to decide what decision or what decisions or what things you would fight for, what things you would be flexible on, and then what things you will kind of let go and release to other people. What I mean by that is before anything becomes a battle, like I said, sit down with your spouse, discuss the things that you want, what are your non-negotiables, you know, what are the things that you don't want to compromise on? Um, what are some of the things that you're willing to be um flexible on? Um, maybe things on like preferences, say the end of the day, if we have this cutlery or the other cutlery, I don't know. Some of those things are very menial and they don't they don't really require too much. You can be flexible on those things. Um and then what are some of the things that genuinely doesn't matter? Um, matter for you, and you can kind of give it to somebody else to make those decisions. Because one thing that you'll come to find out also when it comes to wedding planning, you can get decision fatigue. If you're constantly having to make decisions, you will get decision fatigue. So it's worth having people that you can be like, you know, I'll leave that decision to you guys and you make it work with whatever vision we've got going. Um, so yes, people making things difficult, you have to decide what battles you want to fight. So it's not everything that requires a showdown, right? Um, so yeah, that's something to to note. Um find your people that you can lean on. Ideally, this should be your bridal party because you're choosing these people also with the hopes that you know there are people there who are who will be able to help us, you know, regulate our emotions. These are people that will be able to tell us the truth, these are people that um will be able to tell us if we're being irrational or whatever the case may be, but you need to have those those people around you. Um yeah, identify those people and let them help you also navigate these things. Sometimes you may find that you need a mediator. Um, for my own wedding planning, it was very important to have a mediator because otherwise I would have lost lost it all completely. Um, yeah, so it's important to find who those people are and let them help you navigate this wedding planning. Um, and I think it's important also to give grace. It's important to give grace. Um, and grace is not you just giving up your decisions or anything like that. I think sometimes, again, like I said before, this whole element of finding like what is it that you won't compromise on, what is it that you're flexible on, all of those things. This is where grace kind of fits into it as well. Um give grace to people. Um, even if people are have made things difficult for you. Um, I think it's very easy to look at the behavior that the person has displayed um and let that define what you think about them. Right? It's very, very, very, very easy to let their bad behavior or their coercions, to let their interference um or their worst moments kind of define everything that you think about them, forgetting that they were who they they were before this thing, right? Um, but it's obviously one of the hardest things to do, especially when they're stressing you, um, when you are feeling attacked, and all of those things. Grace is not the easiest thing to give, right? It's not the easiest thing to give. Um, but it will be something that will help you. Again, these things that you learn, again, within this planning process, will go with you into your marriage. Um, extend grace where you can, um, in the same way that you would want grace to be extended to you. If somebody has done the most outrageous things and all of that, and you start to define them by that and forget that actually, even behind all of those things, again, if you go back to the first point that I had made in terms of weddings bring out certain things out of people, and it's never necessarily to do with the wedding, it's the emotions that that that wedding is bringing out of them, or the things that that wedding is pulling out of them. You realize that okay, I I just need to give you give you some grace. Um, yeah, I'll give you give you some grace. Um, and I think one anchor scripture, if anything, would be with all of these things that I've kind of spoken about, will be Proverbs 3, 5 to 6, where it speaks about you know, trusting the Lord with all your heart, um and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to him, and he will make your path straight. Um, I think when you are planning a wedding, this is one scripture that you should have anchored in your mind when it comes to dealing with people, because we don't always understand people, right? We don't understand why they're doing the things that they're doing and who better to leave those people to. I think prayer is very important as you are planning your wedding um and trying to navigate people again because we don't always understand, we don't always understand what's going on and exactly like do not lean on your own understanding in all your ways, submit to him. You need to submit even the people that are causing or wreaking havoc in your wedding planning to the Lord so that he can deal with them and he can give you wisdom to be able to navigate um and deal with those people in the best way possible. So, Proverbs 3, 5 to 6, infuse it into your wedding planning, like these are the things that I don't understand. There is only so much that I know. Let me let the Lord lead. Um, and I think when you kind of zoom out, um, there's a bigger perspective here in terms of people being used again as a test for you. Um it's almost like a lesson. Those people that have made things hard, those people that have shown themselves, um, the the the flaky bridesmaids, the difficult in-law, the the opinionated relative, all of those people, um look at them as lessons or teachers almost, right? There is something that they are teaching you, there's something that has been stirred in you, whether it be about love, whether it be about patience, whether it be about identity, boundaries, grace, all of those things, those are things that you will then carry into your marriage. So reframe it, right? The people who made your wedding planning hard may have been the very ones who made you ready for marriage. Right? The people who made your wedding planning hard may very well be the very ones who made you ready for marriage. So look at it as lessons. Right? So for the couple that is in the thick of it right now, as you're planning the wedding, not really understanding what's going on, why everybody's acting the way that they're acting, and you're just going through a hard time. It's not that because you you're you guys are not supposed to marry or whatever the case may be. Um, I think it's important to hold on to each other, hold on to your community, those that are there for you, hold on to the Lord um to help you navigate this season, but also look at it as a test and see what you can take out of it and see how it's refining you for you entering marriage. And to the couple who is already married and also looking back, because I think a lot of the things that you also experience when you are planning a wedding, it really does go along with you into your marriage. Um, I guess depending on the the severity of some of the things that have happened and how it's made you feel and some of the things that it it has um brought out of you, um, it's things that you will be dealing with in marriage, years on, years on, years on, it'll be things that you will be dealing with. Um so if you're listening as someone who's already married and your planning season was something that hurt you, that bruised you, um where there were tears, there were silences, I don't know, family, estrangements, so many like weddings, like it brings so many different things, and I even just thinking about myself, there was so much hurt that I I felt um so many different feelings, definitely bruising, um, that I felt you're not alone, you're not alone, and I think those that are even planning, you're not alone because I I guarantee you, if you speak to anyone that is planning a wedding, that has planned a wedding, and if they're at a point where they feel like they can speak and let you know actually what happened, you would hear stories, you will hear stories, so you're not alone in all of this. Um, you know, you will get through it. It may feel like this is taking taking you out, but you will get through it, and and I hope that this has brought some form of I guess encouragement, some hope. Here I am, even going through what I went through. Maybe one day I'll go deeper in depth into like what that looked like, what my actual wedding planning looked like, and what were some of the hard things that I dealt with. Um, but yeah, I hope that there is hope that you can get some hope. We're here, you're married, you're enjoying your marriage, I'm enjoying my marriage, we're just living our lives, um making plans and just doing things that we want to do, and and just loving being in our marriage, and this is what you have at the end of the tunnel. Um, but yeah, I want you to be encouraged. I want I want you to keep going. Um, if there is if it's therapy that is needed, definitely go and do therapy. There are so many different scenarios and things that happen that yeah, the the only way for you to be able to manage and deal with is through therapy, and that is also there. But yeah, um if you're watching this and you're listening and you know you know somebody that is in the middle of wedding planning and finding you know the people part much harder than the planning part, then send them this episode. Um I don't have all the answers, but I think sometimes it's helpful to know that there are other people that have gone through it um and that you're not alone in it. So you you don't want to feel like you know, this is a a single thing that you're going through. But there are other people that have also gone through that hard, hard season, even with the wedding planning, because it's it's so hard because it's like this is supposed to be a time that I'm meant to be happy, but this is the time that I feel the most sad almost. So it's kind of like what's happening here? Um, so yes, I would just pray, pray that yeah, this episode would have brought something to you, whether it be encouragement, um, some understanding of something. But yeah, I think that that's all I have to say for now. I'll be doing a lot more solo episodes as well. So if there are particular things that you want to hear, or even aside from the solo episodes, if there are particular topics that you want to see on the podcast, do let me know if you're also somebody who has a story to share that you think will encourage people. Um do reach out to me. All the details and everything will be in the description. Reach out to me and let's invite you to share your story. But yes, I'm looking forward to the next episode, and I will see you. Thanks for tuning in. If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe and also stay connected with us on social media. Until next time, stay tuned for more glimpses behind the veil.